Music:Response
Warning: this entry is my response to a discussion regarding matters of the music-loving heart. If you are an avid music lover, or involved with one, please read on. (It may be a good idea to brief yourself first.) Otherwise, I apologize for my music geekiness – regular entries shall presume shortly (well, shortly after my Goldfrapp and Go!Team reviews…)
Watching England play an international football match is actually quite stressful when you’ve an Englishman beside you. Seeing Matt physically cringe in my peripheral vision the other day was honestly not a pretty sight. I finally understood what Nick Hornby meant and was secretly relieved - although I will never feel the infinite glory of a hard-earned win, at least I don’t have to endure 90 minutes of dread every time my team takes the pitch.
Matt is quite easily my favourite person I’ve met here in London. Enough of a ‘geezer’ without being too ‘lad’-ish, he’s incredibly easy to talk to as we share all the same tastes. And going out to a bar with him is a special treat, as we share the ability to recognize a song about a nanosecond into it. Take for example the other night: Our ears perk up at that lone guitar chord that opens ‘Love will Tear Us Apart’. Our eyes instantly find each other to see mirroring grins.
Matt: Great song!
Me: It’s one of my all-time favourites, I think.
Jocelyn (turns to me with a short confident laugh): Man, he should be dating you, not me!
And according to Ken Nopzak, he should. The other day, my friend Quinn posted a response to this TinyMixTapes article which suggested that Matt pack it in right now before Jocelyn tries to sell him on Sugar Jones and instead slip his affections into something more comfortable. But I understand why the upcoming ‘mix tape exchange’ with Jocelyn is infinitely more romantic for my Britshit-loving kindred than a chat with me about Ian Curtis - because Matt is a music-sharer.
In my opinion, there are two types of avid music lovers. There are the "music-melders" – those who, like Ken, need you to understand and love a song for the same reasons he does (a mindmeld over music, if you will). But I’d argue that more of us are "music-sharers" - curious people who don't find it a chore but instead exciting to both teach and learn, to see what bits of beauty you can introduce to each other's lives.
No, being in a music-sharing relationship isn’t always easy, for either side – like the time I cried out, “I’m sorry, but I just don’t get The Holy Bible, so could you please stop playing it in the car?” But I'd like to think that the many “hey, could you bring along The Queen Is Dead/Pet Sounds/Sigur Ros?” moments more than made up for it. And yes, the connection we shared over Jeff Buckley and the Chemical Brothers was electric. But nothing touched me more than a short note I got once saying, ”thankyou thankyou thankyou for introducing me to Bjork”.
To be honest, it was Quinn’s response that surprised me – that one of the greatest music sharers I know would rather avoid a deep interpersonal relationship with someone of similar musical taste, for fear of ‘losing ownership’ over something he loved so much. That music-sharing paired with emotion is a dangerous combination. Read his thoughts and the comments made afterward – they're great and they did lead me to muse, Carrie Bradshaw like, "in a world where we place so much value in our cultural choices, are beloved songs the new virginity?"
But I can’t help from feeling that it’s not the concept of music-sharing that has let them down, but rather a disregard for certain 'rules of engagement' one should obey in a music-sharing relationship. Since Kate Spade likely forgot these in her book on manners, I'll put some forward to fill in the gap. Fellow music-sharers (I'm definitely looking to Erin, Neil, Mark, Margaret, and of course, Sean here) please let me know where something needs tweaking (or if I'm full of crap). And for all you who, like Jocelyn, have found themselves in a relationship with a music-sharer, take notes.
Respect me, respect my music.
There is definitely room for gentle teasing, but a mind open enough to respect and appreciate is key. In the end, we don't need you to love it, but at least put forth some sort of effort. And this must go both ways - if you humour my ELO revelries, then I promise I will at least try to appreciate whatever the hell it is you find appealing about The Darkness.
Note: If you two can find absolutely no musical common ground, in my experience that's likely a symptom of a greater incompatibility.
Credit your sources.
The music-sharer's motivation was to make your world a slightly better place, so even when it's over, give them their dues. (Yes, you can do this even if it was a bad breakup, as in: "I can't wait for the new Beck CD. Dave may have been a pathetic loser in the end, but at least he was good for something...")
If you've shunned a band, you can't suddenly give it another chance after the relationship fails.
Sure, people grow and change, but nothing wounds more than for your ex to hear you say, "I never 'got' Bowie until [insert not-your-ex here] played some stuff for me". That's just cruel - and you know it. A moratorium of what, 6 months?
If it was a beloved band that was introduced to you, then I am sorry, you must give us leave to love the band more.
No, it's not fair. But life isn't fair. For us music-sharers, introduced bands are like children from a previous marriage. When things end, you may still love them dearly, send them birthday gifts every year, and even secretly consider yourself the better parent, but the fact is God gave them to us first and that must be respected. Case closed.
If you both liked a band before hooking up - or worse, discovered a band together - maturity is paramount.
If introduced bands are previous children, then these are the mutual friends or the children you had together. Remember: though it may feel good at the time, claiming mutual friends for your own is dangerous and expect karma for whatever slipups you may make. If you show up at that Stars concert with your new guy, you better be cool with seeing Quinn get his new gal the setlist at the Sleater-Kinney show.
It's this last rule that Quinn dreads, and I concede, it is definitely the most difficult to handle even when both sides are sensitive and respectful. It took a good six months before I could listen to the Beatles again. But does that mean that upon reflection I would rather they had just stayed out of things for four years? No. God no.
I admit, when Bjork’s Medulla came out, I couldn't listen to it right away. I suppose I was worried that maybe I had given too much of her away to him. But upon hearing even the first song, I realized that if these "friends" are worth keeping, you'll find you have a connection with each that is all your own, that is un-losable. Medulla was my favourite album of 2004, and I am truly glad if he enjoyed it as well. When in doubt, give.
posted by Aleksandra @ 11:01 AM
5 Comments:
First off, Quinn would keep the Sleater Kinney setlist for himself.
JOKE.
Seriously though, have you tried the US mix of The Holy Bible?
And yes, I did love Medulla.
Odd.... To me, music is meant to be shared. I have spent many days bemoaning the fact the Goldfinger is on the American Pie soundtrack, and that Bad Religion is on the Grand Theft Auto soundtrack, but have never felt that I owned more of them than any of the other film-watchers/gamers.
As for relationships, I have always (*always*) felt priveledged to have shared in their lives, and to have shared their music. I will never listen to Ani DiFranco, Astrud Gilberto, Franz Ferdinand, or The Pixies the same way again. But that doesn't mean I put myself in a higher hierarchy than those I have shared with. I would never rank myself higher than them in Talking Heads/Bad Religion/Tom Waits/Planet Smashers fandom, and I don't see any reason why they would do the same. Part of a relationship is sharing that part of yourself, and if you're not mature enough to let that part of yourself be taken and absorbed by someone else then you have no reason to be in a relationship in the first place. Did that sound harsh? Art does not belong to any one person....
I often talk about the memories associated with the music I listen to. Aleks, I’m sure you’ll recall the varied and bizarre associated memories I have with Europe’s ‘Final Countdown’ (one of the great artistic triumphs of our time)
I’m often afraid of sullying my relationship with certain records, because of the moments, the feelings, the emotions they remind me of. If Beatles music reminds me of the blissful early stages of a past relationship (and it does), it’s painful to listen to when the wounds of that relationship ending are still raw (and it was). Similarly, I’m convinced there are certain songs I hate only because of the state of mind I was in when I first heard the song.
I have a friend who simply can’t listen to a load of CDs from a particularly black period of his life.
I guess what I’m saying is ownership has never been so much of an issue for me, as how circumstances affect my relationship with the music I listen to. Luckily certain falsetto-laced, spandex-inspired 70-nostalgia rock is bulletproof…
I probably would keep the sleater-kinney setlist... more because I dont think I know anyone how likes them more than I do.
I'm very pleased to be recognised as a music sharer. For me it's all about sharing love for music with people who are willing to listen.
I long time since stopped forcing my opinions down other people's throats.
If you like what I like, great. If you want to learn or share something special, that's great too. But we're not always going to agree, that's life, and if Jocelyn doesn't care for the latest Franz Ferdinand, and I love it, it's not a problem- at least she gave it a chance.
The point is that if you want to teach me, I'm willing to listen.
And the Life Without Buildings CD my colleague lent me- I never want to hear it again, but until I listened to it, how did I know that?
By the way, Bill Shankly, once Liverpool FC manager said, football's not a matter of life and death, it's more important than that.
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